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Adventures With TOM…Episode 4,207…The Killer Kitchen!!!!

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Would someone please explain to me how a knife could be so damn dull it won’t cut butter but as you are trying desperately to make it saw through an onion it slices open your thumb as easily as Jason’s machete severs sex crazed camper’s skulls!
And that wasn’t all that happened.  I’m not sure when I managed to take the wrong turn and end up in some “Kosmic Killer Kitchen” (yes I know the correct way to spell COSMIC but it just seemed kooler to spell it with a “K” (same goes for COOL)).
It started this morning when I used the toaster.  Making toast is a fairly simple operation and usually not a bit dangerous, Right?  Well unfortunately this morning I had a taste for Pop Tarts and not just any Pop Tarts but the Vanilla filled chocolate fudge variety.  Any other type (cherry, strawberry, even brown sugar-cinnamon) and you just put them in the toaster,  set it on medium, hit the switch, and a few minutes later you have a warm toasty sweet breakfast (or any time) snack.  But use the same procedure on the chocolate/vanilla and about midway through the regular cycle you have flames shooting out of the toaster slot and singeing the ceiling (unless of course you are one of those people who hover over the toaster waiting them impatiently.  In that case you need not worry about trimming those nose hairs and eyebrows for a while).
There are many ways to extinguish a toaster fire…here is the way not to…throw water on it!!! It was still plugged in!!!  So after I replaced the fuses (yes I live in an old house and yes it took out more than one!) and chiseled the melted chocolate/vanilla sludge (which was formerly a Pop Tart)  out of the toaster (please note this should only be done after the toaster is unplugged…the feeling is beginning to come back in my right arm but I doubt I will ever be able to find a match to the flatware set for the butter knife that melted) I no longer had time to do much more than eat a couple cold Pop Tarts and scurry off to work.
The workday was uneventful because though there is a small kitchen in the break room area I had no cause to enter it and was safe all day.  Unfortunately after work I went home and there is still (at least for the time being) a kitchen there.
There was no escaping using the kitchen as I came home hungry.  I took some leftover Chinese Food out of the refrigerator and put it in the microwave (I no longer have a stove in my kitchen (it just took up too much space which I needed for toys, games, and books…which probably says something about my priorities) but I do have a microwave oven and several other small appliances which, allegedly, will cook things!  The other day I was given some advice about using a crock-pot to boil eggs (thanks for THAT idea M!!!)…..that worked out almost as well  micro waving  frozen onion rigs (in case you are unclear here neither one worked  the way one would hope…in both cases the product was heated just not to the end  one would desire).  But at least I didn’t get hurt or destroy anything during THAT fiasco. )…geeze where was I …oh yeah…so the microwave is humming away cooking my veggies when I start to hear little explosions and crackling coming from the microwave oven.  I look over and see flashes of light coming from inside it (yes I have better things to do then watch food cooking I was in the living room watching cartoons (don’t you pass judgment on my choice of viewing material).  It seems necessary at this juncture to point out that I AM an idiot and freely admit to being one…YES I put the little container in there without even thinking about the thin wire handle (standard on every Chinese food container so that it may be carried) by which I had carried the container when I put it in the microwave.  I quickly hit the OFF button, tore open the door, and grabbed the container to get it out as fast as I could.  I, of course grabbed it by the wire handle (as would anyone I think). It just never occurred to me that since the little wire handle was what had been sparking and flashing perhaps I shouldn’t pick the container up using same handle.  It takes a few seconds for pain to register so the container was completely out of the oven when I felt the searing wire burning through my fingers on its way to the bone.  I reacted in a manner I think anyone might and pitched to container away.  it

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