Most people who know me know I am not one who talks about my inner feelings much. Who I may or may not be seeing, what level of romance I may or may not be in, whether my heart is still broken from the last or finally healed and ready to move on… Those are things I seldom share. Unless, of course the emotions brim over to the point they are obvious to any person with any sort of empathetic powers.
And so I have reached a point I want / need to discuss my current situation.
She entered my life last fall but it was just a flirting intermittent sort of thing. I seldom saw her at all during the winter months but let’s face it, during this last brutal winter most of us just hunkered down and just tried to survive.
When the temperatures finally rose into the tolerable range she reappeared. Perhaps she could be, literally, referred to as a “fair weather friend” but it made no matter to me. I could not explain why but for some reason when she came around it always brightened my day. Sometimes we would meet after I got off work for a short visit and then go our separate ways. As the days passed those meetings became a regular thing. In fact we also started meeting in the mornings as well. Just a few minutes and then each went off to our respective occupations.
As is my way, I started to feel a little smothered. I do not do well in relationships. There is something special about them in the beginning but once the new wears off then little things start to bother me. The way she kind of picked at her food and never really finished any meal. The way she demanded my attention when I was trying to do other things. Her obsession with her looks…constantly messing with her hair (OK there may be some jealousy there as I have none with which to mess).
I sometimes would hope she would not be there when I finished the day…But on the days she wasn’t I’d feel depressed and lonely (YES, I am one F’d up person when it comes to relationships).
We never spoke of such things but I feel certain she had a great deal of affection (Love?) for me and I for her. I knew there were other men in her life and I think she believed she was not the only person in my life. Truth to be told, she was. I thought we had something special… And then..
I week or so ago I saw her off with another man. I’m fairly certain she knew I saw them together. She continued to eat as if she hadn’t noticed but I think she did. The next time I saw her neither of us broached THAT subject but carried on as if nothing else had changed…but it had. Yesterday I did not see her at all. I have no idea where she was or with whom she had been. My heart sank. I spent the evening trying to keep my mind off it but it kept creeping to the fore.
I spent a restless night barely sleeping and when I did I was haunted by disturbing dreams. I finally made it through the night. I rose, dressed and went downstairs. I opened the back door and there she sat. She looked as if the night had been a rough one. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were bloodshot. Even her tail did not have its usual tilt. She meowed a small meow that seemed to say “I’m sorry…I missed you… Please forgive me!!”
How could I not!!! I filled her bowl with food and her other bowl with water. I set them out for her and she meowed her thank you. She only ate a bit before she jumped up on my lap for petting and chin scratches.
I still felt betrayed but maybe part of the fault is mine…Maybe I just haven’t been open enough.
But what do I know…I raised a dog person…Can some of you “cat People” out there tell me if this is normal behavior.
Thanks in advance!