I was sitting in the toy, game and reading room (it is a viable room at Casa del Tomas, So DO NOT Judge ME!!!!) reading Robert Heinlein’s “The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress” (A GREAT book which I highly recommend) and enjoying a pleasant breeze coming through the three open windows when suddenly I heard an odd twanging type noise and saw auburn fur bouncing off of the screen of the west side window (thank goodness I had a screen in the window).
Leaping from my chair (OK it was more of a creaking and groaning stumble from the chair but that is about as close to a leap as I can muster these days) I ran (OK moseyed…and let me tell you there aren’t many folks east of the Mississippi who can mosey but I have that skill) to the window and came face to face with the biggest squirrel I’ve seen in many a year. In frontier days this guy would have fed a small town for several days. Perhaps this particular squirrel had been taking some sort of steroid laced feed as he was fairly bulked up, not fat….I’m talking a “Ripped” squirrel. He also seemed to have the “Roid Rage” thing going for him, because usually when a squirrel catches sight of a man he scurries off to his little squirrel abode but not this one! He stood there glaring at me teeth clenched, eyes set, and tail twitching! He took a couple steps toward me all the while studying the thin piece of nylon screen which separated him from what I’m sure he believed to be his and his entire family’s (including his crazy uncle Bert and the orphan chipmunk they took pity on and adopted) dinner for several weeks.
I spoke in a booming voice, which I hoped did not betray the fear in my heart telling him to go away. This only seemed to anger him all the more! His eyes bulged and a vein in his head began to throb as he flexed his tiny, yet amazingly well defined arm muscles and displayed a tight, though furry, six pack. He chittered at me in what I am sure he felt was a most threatening manner. (in truth he was not wrong). Seconds turned to minutes as we stared into each other’s eyes waiting for the lesser of us to blink. I confess I was about to cave when, thankfully, I heard a less threatening chittering from nearby. In response to this other chittering he raised his front paw at me and I swear flipped me off, turned his back on me as if I was insignificant, flatulated in my general direction and then skittered over to a nearby branch where another squirrel awaited. It was very obvious this was his intended and it was also VERY obviously he had impressed her with his display of prowess (Proving, at least to me, that in all the animal kingdom the guys with the muscles and the bad attitudes get the babes).
As I watched the two of them disappear into the upper branches of the tree in search, I’m certain, of a place of privacy I took a bit of solace in knowing that, thanks to me, some over macho squirrel was about to have his tail trimmed.