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You all know how much I enjoy having fun with telemarketers…and if you don’t please go through my blogs on this page and read “Telephone Fun” and “Telephone Fun 2”! So armed with that knowledge here is the most recent of my many Close Encounters Of The Telemarketing Kind!’
A little known fact about CCC is that we have two phone lines. The second line used to be a dedicated computer line but since we no longer need it for that we have kept it for…hmmm…I really do not know why…sentimental reasons I guess. In any case it is not a number that we give out to anyone and yet, on a regular basis the phone on that line (yes I keep phones connected to it) rings and I, not unlike Pavlov’s Dog feel the urgent need to answer it.
Yesterday said phone on said line rang…
ME – ( Speaking in a nice gruff voice as I know this is no one looking for a business) YEAH!
THEM – Mister Big?
ME – WHAT?
THEM – Mister Big? Richard Big??
ME – (Trying to suppress a Laugh) Please, Call me Dick.
THEM – OK, Mister Dick Big…I am calling from Diploma Online University (I honestly don’t remember the name of the fine educational institution they were calling from)…You had asked for some information about taking some courses.
ME – Sure!
THEM – GREAT! Now what program would you be most interested in?
ME – Do you have a doctorate program?
THEM – Oh, Yes!! A very fine Doctorate Program!
ME – Great, that’s what I want…a PHD!!!
THEM – OK! In what area of study?
ME – Huh?
THEM – What area of study do you wish to obtain your PHD in?
ME – Oh, I have to choose now? Can’t I just attend a few classes and then decide?
THEM – No! You have to choose now.
ME – Oh, OK….Hmmm…How about psychology? Psychologists make a lot of money don’t they?
THEM – Yes.
ME – OK, then let’s go with that.
THEM – Is that what your Master’s is in?
ME – No.
THEM – Oh, what is your master’s in?
ME – I don’t have one.
THEM – You don’t?
ME – No! Look can I get the PHD by the end of next month? I really need to get some cash flow going!
THEM – Wait, no…what???
ME – The PHD, will I have it finished by the end of the month? I’m in a REAL hurry!
THEM – I think you may have a misconception…What is the highest level of education you have achieved?
ME – Is that pertinent?
THEM – Yes! Have you graduated High School or do you have a GED?
ME – No!
THEM – Then you want information about our GED program?
ME – No, I want the PHD.
THEM – But you have to have a High School, Bachelor, and Master levels before you can do that.
ME – That seems like a lot of work…I just want to cut out all the middle area and go straight to the PHD. And I’d like to be finished with it by the end of next month…so can we get this show on the road?
THEM – (laughter) Uhhh…alright…so you just want to go straight into the PHD program without even having a high school education?
ME – EXACTLY!!! How soon can I start?
THEM – (more laughter)…(muffled talking)…(new voice..much more stern, though the original is also still on the line)..Hello? You are inquiring about our PHD program when you don’t even have a high school diploma?
ME – Yeah, I already covered this with the other guy and I need to be finished with it by the end of next month. Now can we get started you are using up my valuable study time.
THEM – (original voice laughing…new voice definitely NOT laughing) Sir, do you think this is a joke? Why are you wasting our time with such foolishness?
ME – Well, the other guy seems to think it is funny…As far as wasting time goes, your company called me, I didn’t call you. And finally, with regard to jokes I do not think THIS is one I DO, However, think your alleged university is. Have a GREAT day! I look forward to hearing from you again once you have worked the whole PHD situation out for me!
THEM – CLICK!
I have every confidence that these people are going to find a way to get me into a program that will do everything I’ve asked as long as I pay a large enough enrollment fee!